you should have been here.

Sometimes when everything is OK, I think about all the things that must eventually get done. The lessons my kids will have to learn. This would be much easier if you were a piece of shit parent. You weren't. You were the best damn dad I've ever seen in my life. and you would think that this would make it easier. Having great memories of not much...except every single day of you being a parent. We never quite understood our roles as man and wife, but damn, did you understand the role of father. Until you didn't. There was no declining. You were an amazing dad just a few hours before you decided to leave me with 3 kids, with no dad. The thing is, i would have picked you. I would have picked you if I had to choose between you and I to parent our kids. We took turns being the better parent, but while they were my sun, stars and moon....the kids were always your whole damn universe. This makes it harder. This does not make it easier, and you think it would. It would be better if I could just remember you as someone I dont remember. none the less i have no choice. I have to, and will rise to the occasion. you have left me no choice, and that was your choice. i think sometimes it makes no sense, and other times I think this was the only way it could happen. I dont know. One day, I hope that I can be at peace with the fact that I'll never know. All I know for certain is what I can do next. What I will do next. Rise. Rise to the occasion. I often wonder if this is it for me? This was it for you, almost 11 years of a toxic marriage and no happy ending. Do I deserve the same? 11 years of a toxic marriage and the rest of my life recovering from all this damn trauma while trying to heal our kids from ALL. THIS. DAMN. TRAUMA. One day I hope through healing and some damn time I will be okay with no knowing the rhyme or reason for this. One day I hope after some time and some healing I won't worry if my kids will be okay. At this time, and only at this time I will forgive you. until then you fucked them over, and you fucked me over. You were the better parent and you elimated yourself, and i know i dont understand because I dont have ptsd, and i can't related. I would try to walk a mile in your shoes but i'm too damn busy raising our kids. OUR kids. YOUR BABIES. I remember I used to cling to the fact that you were a good dad. Like a badger of honor. I'd show it off, that if i married someone who hated me at least he was a good father. I married a good dad. No... I married a fantastic fucking dad. Even if we were a shitty couple you were the person to have kids with, until you werent. I struggle to be mad and call you out, i dont know your struggles, but I'm going to call you out tonight. You did this, and I will un do this. i got this,