someone left over

The day I found Chris with a bullet in his head was not the worst day of my life, in most ways the story would end here if it was. The day I had to tell my kids they'd never see their dad again, was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If you've never done it, then I'm not sure I could accurately explain it. I went over 24 hours before I told them. Those 24 hours all I could think was how lucky to be the dead person, because I would much rather be dead, than tell my kids. How lucky to not experience your ribs cracking and breaking, your heart being stabbed repeatedly. Anger is sadness'bodyguard. Will my kids ever be ok? My thoughts were dangerous and the wheel in my head spun fast. This wheel had knives, and with each revolution of the wheel-- a billion silent stabs. Aside from that, how would I raise 3 kids alone? Why would I have 3 kids to raise them alone? How could I financially support 3? How am I enough? I am not a good enough parent. I cannot do this. You were the better parent. You were always the better parent. Anger again. How could the better parent do this? Shopping for funeral clothes for my 9,6 and 2 year old. Anger again. The last day you saw them you promised to take them to get ice cream in your truck bed, and that's their last memory. Another word for widow is relict which literally means 'someone left over'. I can't think of anything more accurate than that. The first couple days are a fog, I cant remember much. My brain did a great job, and the piles and piles of choices you have to make when someone dies keeps you busy. My friends covered me with love. I was a kid scared of monsters under my bed, and my friends were a blanket covering me, my friends were flashlight showing me that there's nothing there hiding under my bed. All I could articulate was "um" and they were my voice. They were my someone left over with me. If I was a left over, then they were left over too. The friends I saw everyday, the ones that just sent a text to remind me to breathe, the ones who sent me resources, they ones who didn't say much to do me but I knew they were praying for me and my kids. I never quite understood what people meant "i will hold you in my thoughts" but, I have never felt more held. Because I was held, I was able to The day I had to tell my kids they'd never see their dad again, was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.