untitled

Regret is such a horrible feeling. True regret. Regret in something that isn't fixable and will never be fixable. Hearing cliche things like "no regrets" or "live life with no regrets" seem so immature. Like a baby saying they don't mind paying bills. I regret not being kinder, I regret not giving you a hug. These are not the type of regrets that I can fix. These are not fixable. I've never had a problem without a solution. I didn't know there were problems without solutions, oh but there is. It makes every other 'regret' i've had seem so stupid. Those aren't regrets. Regret is not a word. It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach where I feel like someone is stomping their boot continually and slowly. Regret is checking to see if i'm still breathing. Regret is the worst of all of them. Worst then the guilt, worst than the sadness, worst than the anger. Regret you wont be here for OUR kids. Confusion is regret's cousin. It knocks you off your ass

you should have been here.

Sometimes when everything is OK, I think about all the things that must eventually get done. The lessons my kids will have to learn. This would be much easier if you were a piece of shit parent. You weren't. You were the best damn dad I've ever seen in my life. and you would think that this would make it easier. Having great memories of not much...except every single day of you being a parent. We never quite understood our roles as man and wife, but damn, did you understand the role of father. Until you didn't. There was no declining. You were an amazing dad just a few hours before you decided to leave me with 3 kids, with no dad. The thing is, i would have picked you. I would have picked you if I had to choose between you and I to parent our kids. We took turns being the better parent, but while they were my sun, stars and moon....the kids were always your whole damn universe. This makes it harder. This does not make it easier, and you think it would. It would be better if I could just remember you as someone I dont remember. none the less i have no choice. I have to, and will rise to the occasion. you have left me no choice, and that was your choice. i think sometimes it makes no sense, and other times I think this was the only way it could happen. I dont know. One day, I hope that I can be at peace with the fact that I'll never know. All I know for certain is what I can do next. What I will do next. Rise. Rise to the occasion. I often wonder if this is it for me? This was it for you, almost 11 years of a toxic marriage and no happy ending. Do I deserve the same? 11 years of a toxic marriage and the rest of my life recovering from all this damn trauma while trying to heal our kids from ALL. THIS. DAMN. TRAUMA. One day I hope through healing and some damn time I will be okay with no knowing the rhyme or reason for this. One day I hope after some time and some healing I won't worry if my kids will be okay. At this time, and only at this time I will forgive you. until then you fucked them over, and you fucked me over. You were the better parent and you elimated yourself, and i know i dont understand because I dont have ptsd, and i can't related. I would try to walk a mile in your shoes but i'm too damn busy raising our kids. OUR kids. YOUR BABIES. I remember I used to cling to the fact that you were a good dad. Like a badger of honor. I'd show it off, that if i married someone who hated me at least he was a good father. I married a good dad. No... I married a fantastic fucking dad. Even if we were a shitty couple you were the person to have kids with, until you werent. I struggle to be mad and call you out, i dont know your struggles, but I'm going to call you out tonight. You did this, and I will un do this. i got this,

someone left over

The day I found Chris with a bullet in his head was not the worst day of my life, in most ways the story would end here if it was. The day I had to tell my kids they'd never see their dad again, was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If you've never done it, then I'm not sure I could accurately explain it. I went over 24 hours before I told them. Those 24 hours all I could think was how lucky to be the dead person, because I would much rather be dead, than tell my kids. How lucky to not experience your ribs cracking and breaking, your heart being stabbed repeatedly. Anger is sadness'bodyguard. Will my kids ever be ok? My thoughts were dangerous and the wheel in my head spun fast. This wheel had knives, and with each revolution of the wheel-- a billion silent stabs. Aside from that, how would I raise 3 kids alone? Why would I have 3 kids to raise them alone? How could I financially support 3? How am I enough? I am not a good enough parent. I cannot do this. You were the better parent. You were always the better parent. Anger again. How could the better parent do this? Shopping for funeral clothes for my 9,6 and 2 year old. Anger again. The last day you saw them you promised to take them to get ice cream in your truck bed, and that's their last memory. Another word for widow is relict which literally means 'someone left over'. I can't think of anything more accurate than that. The first couple days are a fog, I cant remember much. My brain did a great job, and the piles and piles of choices you have to make when someone dies keeps you busy. My friends covered me with love. I was a kid scared of monsters under my bed, and my friends were a blanket covering me, my friends were flashlight showing me that there's nothing there hiding under my bed. All I could articulate was "um" and they were my voice. They were my someone left over with me. If I was a left over, then they were left over too. The friends I saw everyday, the ones that just sent a text to remind me to breathe, the ones who sent me resources, they ones who didn't say much to do me but I knew they were praying for me and my kids. I never quite understood what people meant "i will hold you in my thoughts" but, I have never felt more held. Because I was held, I was able to The day I had to tell my kids they'd never see their dad again, was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Blairtown Park.

A nice day.

funday

I am in awe of how much fun a {my} toddler can have just running around the backyard.

just sippin on jack & juice...